It’s been months now that we have owned our current home. We bought an Amish home that we saw great potential in, however, with that potential has come so much work! I have had so much fun designing and dreaming of colors and layout and textiles, but when my head dreams, making it a reality has been the challenge.
I’m a person that wants things done NOW. I’m also the kind of person who thinks everything is simple and will only take a little time. I underestimate every project, by days. I am my father’s daughter in that regard.
So here we are, in the middle of renovations, months into our ownership, with no end in sight! Currently we are living without a kitchen sink, and not only that, but the only working sink is in the bathroom. That makes using dishes rather difficult to say the least. Ha! We’ve been eating off disposable plates and bowls, using plastic cutlery and cups. I’m pretty much over it. I’m ready for a working sink, but if you know anything about plumbing, it’s that you don’t attempt a DIY in that area. Dave tried. We had a flood. 😉
So while I see so much potential in this house, having stuff everywhere is getting to me.
And as I sit here writing, I am reminded of how much is being renovated on the inside of me. The last few months have seen major changes, and with those changes came some deep hurt. Some hurt that I’ve dealt with getting rid of my whole life. I don’t know what it is about how God made me, but the enemy has put all his attacks on my insecurities. And for many years – my entire growing up years and into college – he was winning that battle. There has been this constant battle within. A battle of loving myself or not. I had just come out of a season of learning to love myself and be confident in who God created me to be. And because it had been too long, apparently, again I was hit with a battle of self-doubt and insecurity.
I’m currently in that battle and I’m going to win.
Yesterday, listening to the sermon at our new church, I was struck by God’s overwhelming amazingness. And that I haven’t even touched the surface of learning about him. I’ve barely glimpsed his deep love for me. But even beyond that, I haven’t been transformed enough. Like, not even close to enough. I’ve written about change, and while I know that God has changed me, I haven’t ever been to the place of complete and utter devotion to him and him alone. My insecurities have always kept the focus on me. And maybe that’s what the enemy was doing all along….trying to keep me focused on my issues.
Well no longer. This life isn’t about me and my family and our life. It’s about God. It’s about how Jesus is renewing us. He’s renovating our insides. And, this house renovation is just what I needed to realize that it’s a slow process. Sometimes days go by without real change. And it’s messy…and probably will remain messy for years, but when I focus on the eternal, even the small changes are the most meaningful, because slowly…very very slowly, I’m becoming more like Jesus. Like my creator.